January 31, 2012. On this date last 2 years, I was in the ICU room watching you lying weak on the bed. You’d lost lots of blood but you didn’t look like you were sick at all. Your face was shiny and your smile was still very sweet. Although the machine said that your blood pressure was only 75/35 your body seemed like it was not affected by what the machine said. Seeing your loving and tender eyes that kept looking at me it never crossed my mind that you would leave me. Deep inside somehow I believed you would survive.
I often asked you not to ever leave this world without me and you always replied very convincingly, “We’ll be together forever!” and I trusted you. I trusted you completely. That was what gave me strength to stay with you while you were very ill at home and in the hospital. I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t afraid because no matter how bad you might look like, you would never go away.
I still didn’t believe it when the doctor said you were already gone after he tried to pump your heart many times. I said to myself, “The doctor doesn’t know our agreement, does he, darling? You will come back. I know!” Because of this faith I didn’t let them put some formalin to your body. I said to our children that you would raise from your deep sleep the next day. But the following day right after I opened my eyes in the morning, somehow I heard you saying to me that you were not coming back. “It’s (physically) too painful, darling. I can’t stand it. I’m sorry….”
I don’t remember how I reacted at that time. What I know is that I was very shocked, sad and afraid….”This is serious now. You’ve really gone and never come back. I don’t know how it would be like to live without you. We have shared our life together and you’ve occupied a very big space in my heart and in my mind. Now that you’re gone, I don’t know how I will deal with that empty space…."
It’s been 2 years now since you were gone. Every time I call your name tears will immediately run down my face and I will start having difficulty breathing from getting too emotional. Sweetheart, I know you know what I’ve been going through. There was a point in my life after I lost you when I could see my mind standing at the edge of a cliff. I saw that I would soon go insane if I didn’t distract my attention from you. I didn’t want this to happen because I knew you wanted me to keep going with my life and you wouldn’t be happy if you saw that your death caused me mentally ill. But darling, sometimes I felt it was so painful that I just wanted to forget everything……
Last night you came to my dream. In the dream you decided to come back to this world, to me. When I asked you why, you said that you couldn’t stand seeing me crying all the time. I suspected this dream was the result of my crying a lot before I went to bed for missing you so badly last night. But it was so real that maybe was it your way of telling me that actually you’d never wanted to leave me?
If you can read this note, please sweetheart, know that I want you not to worry about me. You have your own soul journey and I have mine. Although I stumble and fall very often, I learn to keep going with my life and accept the fact that I have to face this world without you. If you see God there in heaven, please tell Him to take care of me and our children.
Darling, do you know Ronan Keating’s song “If tomorrow never comes”? I love this song very much. It says exactly what I feel you have done for me. Here are my favorite lyrics:
“If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her?
Did I try in every way to show her everyday
That she’s my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes”
Honey, tomorrow never comes for you and me together but I want you to know that it is your love that gives me strength to go through this life.
I love you, Stephen, always. Happy Birthday, darling.
Jakarta, 31 January 2012
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